I am his Mom

March 19th, 2014, our little boy was born. He is an enormous amount of joy.

Blah, blah, blah I haven’t blogged in a while mostly because the game changed for me once Bean arrived. Now my story of infertility, miscarriage, dreams, hopes, and the overwhelming thoughts that mostly just point to my complete inability to control or dictate my own life now very intimately involve another person. Another person I have a rabid need to protect.

He’s had a cold the last few days, his worst one yet. I can hear him snoring in the monitor. I love to use the Nose Frida, but Bean isn’t quite as jazzed about it. So, I try to hold back on my insatiable appetite to clean snot out of noses…his cute, little nose that looks just like his aunt’s.

This mothering thing has been very humbling too, but not in an unexpected way yet.

I don’t have any illusions of getting back into my size 4 pants, I have started to smile when people ask when we’re having another one (“if you had any idea…”), I’ve already broken half of my “rules” about things I would never do. We play with our food, we grab cats’ tails, we read so many books.

The main reason I haven’t written is that this, this Mom thing-while challenging and sleep depriving, and full of failure and surprises, and far, far from perfect-

This is far more beautiful than I ever knew. There is not a day, and in fact not many an hour that goes by that I am not deeply aware of the rare and amazing gift I have been given.

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50 years

I talked to my mom last night and she declared “if your father hasn’t gotten over this cold, I’m calling it all off at 2:15 on Friday.”

“That’s it?” I declared. “We’re just running right up to 50 years and then calling it good, huh?”

“Yep” she said. (In her defense, my dad has been fighting this cold now for 3-4 weeks and he’s not a super fun sick person-like the rest of us).


Those of you who don’t know my Facebook presence (ie, don’t know me in real life) are probably not aware that my parents are–this very week–going to celebrate 50 years of marriage on March 21st at approximately 2:15 PM in the afternoon.

The newspaper ad I filled out to celebrate this with them wanted all the stats:

Where were they married? Sunnyland, IL (it’s a place, for reals-sort of)

How many children? 3, all married, with 6-7 grandchildren (if my son would get his act together)

How are they celebrating? Well, that’s mostly on me and this little squirmy wormy, but maybe at home, maybe up here in Chicagoland, maybe somewhere in between, maybe-and most likely- for a good few days around the actual anniversary as well.

The stats are nice, but I can’t help but see how those stats tell just a piece of a 50-year time span. My parents were not even yet 20 when they were married. They grew up together, they’ve seen each other at their very worst and their very best. They had two boys early on and experienced “young parenting” and then 12 years later experienced parenting of a completely different sort with me.

They’ve seen each other through losses, joys, disappointments, and what I will say is that while we as children are often privy to the intimacy of our parent’s relationships that only we could be…they have always shown a level of commitment that has only grown over these 32 years that I’ve been able to witness it.

It is a joy to celebrate this week with them and marvel at what 50 years can look like in practice.

It may just be 50 years to the minute, unless Dad can sack this cold, but we will find reason to celebrate regardless.


Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

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My Facebook Movie

So, in celebration of FB’s 10 year anniversary, they have created (an algorithm) a personal movie for everyone!

Curiously, I checked mine out last night. I have been on FB for almost 7 of those 10 years at varying degrees of participation.

More than 50% of my 1 minute self-indulgent “Kim fest” movie was pregnancy status messages and pregnancy pictures. I have publicly talked about my pregnancy on FB for only the last 3 months…I’m due in 6 weeks. I have posted a total of 10 pregnancy related pictures that have only been opened up to the 88 people who “liked” the status message requesting to see them. I have posted a total of 4 status messages related to the pregnancy, mostly about food. Those status messages, and 2 belly shots were declared “my most popular posts!” Again, all within the last 3 months. That number, those 88 people make up 35% of my FB friends and thus warrant one of my most popular status messages.

I get that having a child is a big deal. It’s rather monumental for me, as it is with any expectant mother.

One of my friends got a big promotion the other week (I don’t know if it was that “big” but I’m sure it was…she’s great). After posting it, (I went and did this math), 18% of her friends on FB “liked” this. Perhaps an additional amount left a comment. I just pulled this number from watching her movie. ::sheepish grin:: She later made a status message that said something to the effect of “well, it’s not a cute baby picture, but thanks for all of the support on my promotion!”

My point is…as I discussed this with my family on Christmas. Facebook=Mombook. It does for me too, it does. I’m not denying it. Not at all. I’m sure Bean will do crazy cute nonsense that I’ll share on FB. I will, there’s no denying it. I love logging on and seeing my cutie-pie nieces and nephews, my friends’ kids that are far away (or nearby).

Right…starting again. My point is…make sure you “like” the other stuff too. I know it can be tempting to just “like” the Mombook based stuff, but maybe go out of your way to appreciate something else that isn’t inside your realm, that isn’t part of your day-to-day life every once in a while. I get that kids are cute, but other people do cool stuff too and they’d like your support as well.

You never know what kind of future algorithm you could be promoting in someone else’s world.

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Maybe if I blog, I won’t fall asleep

All of my blog posts sound so “dear diary” to me lately. And while I’ve largely abandoned any sort of academic or educational aspirations on the blog, I don’t want it to simply be “today I got the mail!” either.

One of my 3 favorite sister in-laws requested an update. Image

The facts: I think my belly is growing by the minute, I’m super into chocolate cake with chocolate frosting right now, work is becoming much harder (see: large belly), I’m planning to work another full 4 weeks after this week ends, the baby’s room is coming along, he’s still measuring right on target (or at least he was two weeks ago), we do *probably* have a name, but I’m not caving on it until he’s here in case I want to change my mind, I’m tired…whatever, it’s fine, I roam about the house a few times during the night just trying to feel tired enough to go back to sleep but then I’m tired during the day, I have a cold…again, it’s fine. I’ll live. I’m sore, really sore. Moving is a challenge. I’ve re-read this paragraph about 15 times and have found incorrect words in it each time. So, yeah…tired.

I had my first dream about holding Bean last night. It was strange, as dreams are. There was this bus of college-aged male athletes all passing him around in like a 15 passenger van and I went in through the side door (like you do in a 15 passenger van) and asked to hold him. They were all really nice and handed him right over. He was wearing red (like the other athletes) and just a little guy and I remember holding him and not believing it. He had brown eyes and brown hair (which I highly doubt will be the case) and then I started to feel things…emotions, dream emotions. It was really nice. Weird and highly inaccurate, I’m sure. But now you know how I’ve dreamt about holding my son for the first time? Eh, well…we’ll see if I leave that paragraph in.

I think we’ve largely moved through the more public “I can’t believe this is still happening stage” but at home, we still say it a lot. Multiple times a day.

Things specific to the baby at this point: my pregnancy calculator says he’s the size of a pineapple and around 4 lbs (!). He moves more in the morning (usually) and sometimes still wakes me up. I feel him most on a diagonal (my upper right side and lower left). I love it when he gets the hiccups. So far, most foods have been ok for him, and he hasn’t protested anything too much. He can get some really nice kicks in but for whatever reason, he’s not uncomfortable in his movements too much yet.

Maybe I’ll get some pictures up this weekend. One of the social workers I work with saw me at the beginning and end of the day today and said “you’ve grown just today!”, so yeah…it’s all happening.

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